i just can't do it...i can't...i know i've been battling this since i started this blog so it seems to be all you read about, but i absolutely cannot talk to her in any form or fashion right now...i wrote the letter, but didn't send it...i just can't...i'm tired of it...tired of explaining myself...tired of taking that step to try to make things better...and i know she's been calling, texting, all that jazz...i just can't...in a way i'd like it all to disappear, but for the most part i see how it's actually been an excellent learning experience...

and for once...for once, my life got fucked up because of something I did...not because of what something someone else has done, which has pretty much been the bane of my existence...i was so tired of things fucking up for reasons out of my control, and now...well i see i'm perfectly capable of fucking up on my own...and I FUCKING LOVE IT!!! yes it sucks...god does it suck...but oh my god it's fucking liberating...i feel like i'm growing up, finally...even though i've been an adult since i was twelve...let me edit that, i feel like i'm actually aging backwards...feeling what everyone felt when they were struggling through their tortorous adolescence...it's fucking beautiful...wouldn't trade it for the world...is this what it means to be a twenty-nothing, maybe?  or am i relatively alone in this?  i doubt i'm alone...

i need a cigarette...hold that thought...

alright...so i had tons to say, but now i'm tired...the day is catching up with me...you know i'll write more later...